Yeah, I’m talking to you, ole trusty laptop. It’s been awhile.
Dust has settled on your edges. Your screens gone black for over a year now. I haven’t sat down behind you in quite some time.
Ya see, I’ve been a little busy. The season of sitting with you for hours and hours at a time, pouring out my thoughts to you in the middle of starbucks has come to an end, my friend. For now at least. Even sitting with you now feels so strange. Words used to come so easily, but I guess that’s what time will do. Push the words that made sense further and further apart until you don’t even know what to say anymore. Your mind in so many different places that even stopping for a moment to gather a thought becomes difficult. I’ve missed a few things from that season with you, but oh my. How I’ve fallen in love with the new one that’s embraced me. Before, I had time to myself. I had as much time as my heart desired. But, as I think back on those days, I realize and see that even in the midst of endless time with you in hat season, my heart desired to be in a different one. And as much as I loved having my words come together so easily back then in this mess that is my mind, as much as I Ioved ordering my favorite fall starbucks latte, throwing on that oversized sweater before I would pull out my chair to sit down for hours with you, I wouldn’t trade all of that freedom in the world for what I get to do now.
Before, I wrote about desiring to experience God. Before, I shared promises from the Lord, promises to help another get through difficult, awkward seasons. Before, in desperation, I poured out my heart to Jesus right here with you about how deeply I longed to be in a new season. To be, in the season I’m in now.
What’s this new season, you ask?
A season where I get to wake up every single day and live out the gospel. A season where, every morning around 6:30 am, I hear a little boy crying, a little girl laughing, waiting for me to come pick them up and give them their morning snuggles. A season where I get to wake up every day and walk, yet again, this road of learning what it means to truly be a servant. What it looks like to actually , in real time, in real life, lay down my life for another. TWO others, to be exact. Because, these two others? They need me. More than I need myself. More than I need to write. More than I need to spend hours in a coffee shop, more than I need those trendy oversized fall sweaters. They need me. Yes, it’s in this very season that I get to walk with Jesus to the woman at the well, to the woman being thrown out of her house, to the woman needing healing and learn the ways of a servant. To kneel down beside them and wash their feet. I get to learn from him through two tiny little faces.
No, I don’t have the time to invest in you like I used to, but, that’s just it. If I’m learning anything in this new season, it’s this.
Life’s not about me. My time is not my own. I’m on borrowed time and this life is not about Ashleigh. Life’s about Christ. Life is about Him and my time has been laid at the altar. Laid at His feet. Laid at the cross. It was HIS to begin with.
Everything that bombards us in today’s society tries to convince us of the opposite. Build yourself. Build your brand. Build your kingdom. Build your bank account. Build your possessions. Build your closet. But, the more I walk in this season, the more I hear Him speaking. No. No, Ashleigh. There is a sweeter way, a better way for you. It’s not about you at all. But, if you let me pour you out. If you let me empty you in a way you’ve not experienced before, I can promise you with absolutely all of my heart.
I will fill you.
I will pour out your life into the lives of others. While focusing on those around you, on your babies, the two miracles that I’ve placed in your life, without even being aware, I will fulfill your hearts desires. Your eyes will be fixed on me. Your heart will be full, overflowing even, and your calling will bloom. If you follow me in this new season, if you look to me and likewise, bend down to serve, I will meet every need, even needs you don’t know you have. I will stretch your roots deep down into the soil of who I am, and you will flourish like never before. You will walk into a season you know not of, look back in the midst of it and wonder how you ended up there. All because you allowed me to increase in your life while you became less. I humbled myself to the position of a servant, Ashleigh. Let me empty you so I can fill you. This life is not about you. It’s about me. And in the process of making it about me, I will use you in ways you couldn’t even begin to imagine in your dreams.
So, no. I don’t have time oh wonderful laptop, to sit in front of you for hours. My days are filled with giggles, no no’s, routines, exhaustion, late nights, early mornings, nap times that are often enjoyed by myself as well as my littles, and dreams of what I’d love to write and do for the Lord when time allows later on, but, right now, in the midst of this brand new season, as different as it may look, I can hear Him. I hear Him in a different way. In a gracious way that doesn’t require me to spend hours, but mere seconds. Mere minutes with Him that I sense are changing me from the person I once was into some kind of new I’ve never known. And I’m excited.
Dedicated to my Sadie Anne and my Todd Mitchell. Thank you for making me a mama and bringing me into the sweetest season of my life. Mama loves you both more than words can express.
Flourish, mama, flourish,