How to Move Forward When You Don’t Know Which Way is Forward
About a month ago we lost two babies, one through a failed adoption and one miscarriage. You can read the full story HERE. I found myself questioning God, how could you let this happen? Haven’t we already been through enough? You see, It’s been a long journey to get to those two babies. A journey full of pain, sorrow, bitterness, loneliness and many more emotions. And then the Lord called us to adopt it all seemed to make sense and then we got pregnant and I thought ok God, I see what you had planned all along…and then in a matter of four days, we went from two babies to zero.
The truth is when your heart is that broken, it’s a struggle to know what to even pray for and how you move forward. Adoption wasn’t a plan B for us, we felt so strongly the Lord put that calling in our life for a reason and I can’t just consider that journey over even as scary as it is put ourselves out there again. On the other side, we got pregnant which was huge surprise and blessing. After years of trying and failed fertility treatments, we have a lot of hope and optimism in knowing that we can get pregnant naturally.
So to be completely candid with you, I still don’t know which way forward is for us. I strongly believe the Lord is going to bless us via adoption and biologically but I don’t know when or how and I still struggle with how to pray for our growing family. But this is what I do know and what I’m focusing on.
1. It’s Ok to Not be OK – “Be Still and Know that I am God” Psalm 46:10
I recognized that we need time to grieve our babies and the future we thought we had. It’s ok to not be ok and it’s ok to not know what’s next. God knows what’s next and the truth behind surrendering your future to him is so powerful.
2. Seek Guidance and Expect Answers – “If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask him, and he will gladly tell you, for he is always ready to give a bountiful supply of wisdom to all who ask him; he will not resent it.” James 1:5
I’ve never had as clear of guidance from the Lord than when we were in 21 days of prayer and were so focused on praying and asking for his guidance and actively listening and paying attention for answers. I often would pray for answers but wasn’t fully prepared and expectant for him to respond.
3. Wait on the Lord – “Teach me your way, Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors. I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:11, 13-14
Ohh Y’all… this one is the toughest for me!!! I am a planner and want everything immediately. Just when I thought our wait was over, the Lord continues to work on me and my patience for his plan, not mine. The truth is, I know one day I will look back and this will all be a distant memory.
As hard as this journey has been, I have felt so much comfort sharing our story and hearing from others who have been in similar situations or connecting with others who are going through these tough times currently. We weren’t meant to go through trials alone and our prayer from the beginning has been that our story may be a small testimony of God’s grace and goodness. I’m not in ministry, I’m not a writer, I struggle daily to live my life for Christ, but he’s called me to be a mother and he’s called me to share our story.
I’m Courtney. A daughter, wife, sister, friend and fur-mom. I know full well what it’s like to have your faith put to the test. I’ve gained and I’ve lost, and I’ve learned to say blessed be his name regardless. It’s been a few months since my heart put these words on paper and now my husband and I are looking at another opportunity to put our faith and trust in him. If you feel led dear reader, pray for us as we embark on another journey. I love to write and spend lots of my time blogging over at The Hamby Home about creating, decorating and sharing our journey through infertility and adoption. You can read all about our journey through infertility and adoption over on my blog, The Hamby Home.